Growing Through the Cracks

Growing Through the Cracks

Growing Through the Cracks

We grow through the cracks.
The ground opens beneath us.
In beauty we rise.
Have you noticed how nature finds a way? Flowers rise through concrete, trees grow from ruins, and a family of foxes have taken nest under my shed. When the human footprint fades, nature returns.
We are called in this time to return to our own nature, to allow our own natural beauty to rise through the cracks opening in the ground.
For glimpses of your basic nature, spend time with a child. Watch their tender open hearts, see their profound wonder for the smallest of things, step into a time beyond time with them.
Most of all notice how their innocence, their vulnerability, their unguarded imperfections break our hearts open. As Leonard Cohen says, ‘there is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in.’
We have spent too long chasing perfection. We lost our way. We forget that our beauty grows through the cracks, not by papering over them.
So please take some time this week to fall in love with one of your most exquisite imperfections. See the original innocence shining through this crack in your being.  And extend this light to another whose innocence you have forgotten. See if you can fall in love with one exquisite imperfection of someone close to you. Enjoy the dance. Watch the beauty grow.
Because nature always finds a way.
All My Love
Cutting Through The Noise

Cutting Through The Noise

Cutting Through The Noise

The world is getting noisier,
and noisier,
and noisier.
Too much information,
Used to mean,
Something else.
Your attention…
its your most precious resource.
So how will you cut through the noise in 2020?
I found an anchor.
She holds my attention still,
In these turbulent waters.
An anchor shaped like a question-mark,
Keeps me grounded in my heart.
So when the world tugs on me,
Like a puppet-master with a billion strings,
I will keep asking this question,
My anchor:
What would Love have me do now?


Treat Your Body As Your Beloved

Treat Your Body As Your Beloved

Treat Your Body As Your Beloved


Recently, I’ve been going deeper into the practice of relating to my somatic experience as it arises. Somatic experience is simply what you feel in your body without describing it in words. Everyone is capable of doing this. We were born doing this. If you want to try now, just scan your body and notice the primary sensations in your body without labelling them. You may notice your mind wanting to categorise and analyse, and that is fine, but know that you have the capacity to relate to your experience in this primal, innocent way. If you want a technical word for this practice, you could call it ‘interoception’.


This practice is so simple. But please don’t be misled by its simplicity. It is also the most profound healing practice, when properly understood and correctly applied. It is commonly used in the treatment of trauma. See these books here and here as good examples.


As I’ve delved deeper into this practice, I’ve been really appreciating the miracle that is the human body. Just to consider the fact that we evolved from a single-celled organism – and that are bodies are essentially these intricate, walking memory boxes, holding such deep intelligence from our evolutionary past.


Just think about goosebumps. When I sense goosebumps and the sort of warm exhilaration on my skin that signals them, I can be pretty sure that there is some incredibly rich information coming from the outside world. This is especially true when I am interacting with someone, for example in therapy or coaching. When I notice my skin tingling, it is almost always a sign that we (client and myself) are on the edge of a big transformation, an epiphany, a moment of deep healing and vulnerability.


So my current practice – which I want to share with you – connects this somatic experiencing with the Sufi idea of the human relationship with the divine as being comparable to that between a Lover and his/her Beloved. When a sensation or feeling comes up in your body, see if you can relate to this somatic wisdom as though it were a really, deeply caring, unconditionally loving figure giving you vital information – like a precious gift. This practice is to be used for both ‘pleasant’ and ‘unpleasant’ feelings.


If you feel some anxious feelings in your body for example, bring your attention to the primary somatic experience, beyond labels. And once you have established this level of connection, take a moment to honour and appreciate and listen to the Beloved – let the Beloved speak to you in this way, through these sensations that are arising in your body.

I hope this practice helps you find peace and empowerment as much as it has me and the people I support.


I leave you with this from Sufi poet Rumi:


Because the Beloved wants to know,
unseen things become manifest.
Hiding is the hidden purpose of creation.


Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl

Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl

Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl

By the time you have finished reading this sentence, your attention may already have started to wander, according to the latest statistics on attention-deficit. The average attention-span in 2013 was just 8 seconds, down from 12 seconds in 2000, and less than that of a goldfish, at 9 seconds.

Still with me? Good. Lets swim outside the goldfish bowl for a few moments to explore why our attention spans are decreasing and, more importantly, what effect this is having on how we find meaning in our lives. 

We are living in an age where our attention is under siege. There are more organizations competing for our attention than ever before. In 2012, 984 billion dollars were spent globally on marketing, via ever more invasive channels.  In only the last 20-30 years, we have gone from having only a handful of primary lines of communication (e.g. speaking in person, writing letters, home landlines, print media), to being spliced opened to influence, through a suffocating complex of social media channels, social networking tools, multiple email addresses, 300+ TV channels.

This rapid growth of communication channels is accelerating our dependence on instant gratification, ‘quick fix’ modes of being. We expect everything to be instantly accessible, ‘at our fingertips’ or ‘in our pocket’. A recent Pew Internet study showed that college students had less patience than their predecessors, whilst their willingness to engage with in-depth analysis had also decreased. In the words of eminent psychologist Daniel Goleman, we are ever more ‘seduced by distraction’.

And in this bullish market for our attention, those marketers trying to seduce us towards their products and services are having to find ever more innovative ways to capture our attention, in ever shorter bursts of time. This intense competition to influence our minds is seriously affecting our mental health, most alarmingly that of our kids. In 2011, 11% of American school-aged children were diagnosed with ADHD, whilst in Britain ADHD has been cited as the most common behavioural problem in schools, affecting between 3 and 9% of schoolchildren. Divide (our attention) and conquer, you might say. 

In some ways, we can imagine life was more simple in the past. Traditional social and religious structures emerged partly to provide a solid framework (‘a sacred canopy’ as sociologist Peter Berger describes it) within which humans could find and sustain meaning, a moral fabric through which people would weave their decisions. For some, the only book they would ever have had access to would have been the core religious text of their culture: Bible, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, etc. Even if they could not read, there would have been a much-reduced menu of values, assumptions, and beliefs about how to live life. At the root of this simplicity was often a different concept of time: not the linear, onwards and upwards march of progress of the Modern world, but a cyclical understanding of time and the cosmos, which historian Mircea Eliade describes thus: “The cosmos is conceived [of] as a living unity that is born, develops, and dies on the last day of the year, to be reborn on New Year’s Day. […] At every New Year, time begins ab initio as ‘continual present’.” There was simplicity and humility in these cyclical belief structures that is truly hard to imagine now. 

In our day, these sorts of traditional frameworks of belief are on the decline in much of the world. There are many reasons given for their decline; too many to go into full detail here. I will just briefly describe three such reasons that are relevant to our discussion here. For one, the power structures that were built around traditional and religious beliefs were often revealed to be ultimately oppressive, not progressive. Often, if you disagreed with the status quo you would be excluded or exterminated. Also, as science has climbed up to an ever more powerful global position, traditional and religious beliefs have been discarded by many as just ‘beliefs’, by their very nature ‘unscientific’, and so all value has been bleached out from them. I would like to suggest a third important reason here: that in our distracted, attention-deficit age, the discipline and commitment required by traditional and religious structures and practices has become far more difficult to attain, as our minds are pulled in an ever more complex tug-of-war.

However, whilst religion may well be on the decline, the inherent need for meaning in our lives certainly isn’t.

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who wrote the seminal book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’, after surviving 3 years in that darkest manifestation of ‘scientific progressivism’, the concentration camp at Auschwitz. His most profound realization came when, even in the darkest pits of despair, both he and his fellow inmates still found themselves actively, unrelentingly searching for meaning. Thus, having survived this ordeal, both physically and psychologically survived, he came to the conclusion, captured so beautifully in Nietzsche’s most lucid one-liner:

           Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.

Human-beings are meaning-hunters. Celebrated anthropologist Ernest Becker coined the term homo poetica, by which he simply meant ‘man the meaning maker’. Becker believed that what separates the human from other animals is his unrelenting search for meaning and significance. The proof and product of this unrelenting search is culture.  In this unrelenting search we are all potential artists, that role Woody Allen famously described as ‘the seeker of the antidote to the emptiness of existence’. And the antidote seems pretty darned effective. Humans thrive when they have a consistent ‘why’. Meaning can provide a deeper, sustaining nourishment: chicken soup for our souls. 

Nowadays, however, we live in an age of hyper-culture.  The cultural edifices within which we find meaning are changing with g-force speed; that sacred canopy that once sheltered is now pierced by multiple god-shaped holes, and through those holes falls a mind-boggling deluge of different meanings, different narratives, different forms of belief, or non-belief. This is the distinctly modern, globalised problem of having too much choice. When it comes to orienting my own life, I have become acutely aware in the last years of the effect of too much choice. For example, I love listening to inspiring, uplifting talks: TED talks, Conscious TV, stirring videos posted on Facebook. Each time I listen to one, I get a hit, like a meaning junkie smoking his pipe, and I emerge emboldened: a new crusade is born, a crusade that rampages all the way through…until the next video pops up. Thus, my engagement in these million brave new worlds struggles to move beyond skin-deep. I find myself unconsciously complicit in a game, a game where I am repeatedly distracted from the commitment necessary to truly evolve. Digital structures are in fact designed to support this superficial level of engagement with meaning (think of the streaming News Feeds of Facebook, or the sidebars on Youtube that are always tease, tease, teasing with tangents: other videos, images, words, we might prefer to imbibe). In 2010, Micah White wrote in a critique of ‘slacktivism’: “we have become so dependent on digital gimmicks that our revolutionary potential is now constrained”. I would say that both our revolutionary and our evolutionary potentials are challenged by these digital rabbit warrens.

Why are these worlds being created in such a way? Why do I find myself repeatedly sucked back into the vortex by that most fundamental of enticements, that ‘there will be something better just around the corner’? Whilst we humans are naturally curious, meaning-hunters, our curiosity is exploited by corporations who create products that we can never be fully satisfied with. The term coined for this consciously un-settling mechanism is ‘in-built’ or ‘planned’ obsolescence’, an inherent part of the industrial Capitalist system since 1924, when the American automobile industry reached saturation point, leading General Motors to the ingenious (and scarily correct) prediction that car owners could be trained to believe that they needed to buy a replacement vehicle each and every year. 

These structures that seduce our attention and encourage continuous up-scaling can even be seen in that marketplace of meaning: the self-help industry. 2014 has been deemed by publishers as the year that self-help titles will rise right to the top of the sales charts. The self-help industry was already in 2013 estimated at $11bn. Just imagine how many different ideas that $11bn-and-rising figure represents, how many different descriptions, suggestions, techniques, all designed to help us find meaning and to live our lives better. Staggering.

From one perspective, self-help authors are increasingly muscling each other out to create ever newer bottles for the same old wine. And this, for me, is really the key: whilst these meaning bottles may be described in shiny and new and exciting ways (‘this Chardonnay has a certain naïve quality’, as my old Australian friend would say), what is contained within them are more or less the same core principles that humankind has been trying to live by for millennia. I find this is an important and grounding realisation, as I find myself being carried away on another crusade by the next self-help book or spiritual sound-bite. 

So how are we, dizzied meaning-hunters atop this Tower of Babel, to remedy our existential vertigo? How can we lost souls stay outside of the fish bowl long enough to find that sense of genius, magic, and power that Goethe famously associated with the bold act of commitment? In my own life, I am finding it increasingly useful to ground myself in just one simple principle, which is certainly not my invention, and I would probably struggle to sell any books on the subject, because, to be honest, it may seem a bit overdone, passé, perhaps even a bit cheesy. That principle is unconditional love. Its been around for ages, and simply means giving without expectation, or love for love’s sake. Although it is admittedly not easy to achieve, nonetheless, as a coordinating principle, it has profoundly beneficial consequences, and is simple enough to remember: a sturdy life-boat to boldly hold onto when the tsunami of ideas and information engulfs.

And this principle seems so vitally important today in an age where so many billions of dollars are being spent on getting us to feel we need to have more to be more, rather than to give more. So, whenever I am feeling lost in the jungle of spiritual soundbites, whenever I feel drowned in the deluge of mercurial meanings, I stop, take a moment of quiet, and orient myself to that simple convention of unconditional love. I breathe a sigh of relief…until my next crusade begins.

I am fascinated by how, under extremely different circumstances, when all light and meaning was being sucked inexorably towards a very big black hole, Viktor Frankl has a similar, profound and grounding realization in Auschwitz:

… We stumbled on in the darkness, over big stones and through large puddles, along the one road leading from the camp. The accompanying guards kept shouting at us and driving us with the butts of their rifles. Anyone with very sore feet supported himself on his neighbor’s arm. Hardly a word was spoken; the icy wind did not encourage talk. Hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar, the man marching next to me whispered suddenly: “If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don’t know what is happening to us.”

That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife’s image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun, which was beginning to rise.

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way – an honorable way – in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory….”

The Simple-Not-So-Simple Challenge Of Kindness

The Simple-Not-So-Simple Challenge Of Kindness

The Simple-Not-So-Simple Challenge Of Kindness

Kindness – easy to say, not so easy to do.
What makes kindness a challenge are what I call ‘kindness blockers’ – those things that get in the way of our innate kindness
Things that get in the way of kindness are primarily those things that trigger our sympathetic nervous system – our fight, flight, freeze self-preservation instinct. 
Our threat system is ‘highly conditionable’, which means that it can be trained to be activated by certain threats, and that these learned reactions can get passed down over generations. The emergent science of epigenetics has shown, for example, that memory of trauma can be passed down across at least 3 generations. In one now classic experiment, mice were exposed to the smell of cherry blossom and each time were given an electric shock. The researchers discovered that the baby mice, having never had an electric shock, recoiled instantly at the smell of cherry blossom. Rachel Yehuda and her team have demonstrated this same intergenerational transmission of learned responses in humans.
This means that you and I, and the double helix at the centre of our being, we are a walking memory box. Life is a clever old thing. Passing on these memories means that the next generations are biologically and psychologically primed for the experiences of their ancestors. 
The downside is of course that we carry on living with our body-minds stuck in a past that largely does not represent the present or the future we want to collectively manifest.
To make this concrete, let’s say that your great great uncle died tragically by drowning. For as long as you can remember, whenever you go near any body of water including a bath or shower you freak out, have a panic attack. This encoded memory clearly gets in the way of your functioning, and of course your capacity for compassion. (This story is based on a client I recently treated).
So, you see, the simple goal – to be kind – is actually not-so-simple (are you happy now Mr Greedy Brain?). To get to this state of being, we need to be in a healing environment, a space/place where we can recondition ourselves. 
We need to get to know our triggers really, really well.
And we need to think critically about the world we live in, about the built-in tendencies of our current environment to repeatedly, almost obsessively trigger our self-preservation system. A very simple example here: 99% of people I know say that the first thing they do when they wake up is turn on their phones. Now, unless the first thing you do in the morning is use your meditation app, the likelihood is you are instantly triggering your self-preservation systems in this one simple gesture.
I personally find that the flood of information available at my fingertips undoubtedly triggers my self-preservation system. I get this panicky feeling that I will never have enough time to read all the books on my kindle, listen to all the podcasts, respond to all the messages across 5 or 6 different channels. I’ve talked elsewhere about how we are all becoming ‘fragmented humans’, our minds split in a million different directions.
This is why I feel this year more than ever that I (and probably you) will benefit from having one – just one – simple not-so-simple goal.
So if you, like me, think that being kind to your self and to other people is one of the most important simple not-so-simple goals there is, then here is what I recommend.
  1. Make a list of your triggers. What are the top 10 things, people, situations that really push your buttons? (i.e. make you angry, sad, anxious etc). These are your primary wounds.
  2. Heal those wounds in the moment when they arise: for simple wounds, the best way to heal them is to cultivate embodied awareness – or ‘interoception’. This simply means that in the moment of the trigger, or shortly after, you bring your attention to the raw sensation in your body. I encourage my clients to place a hand on that part of the body, as touch is deeply healing. Allow that energy to be there. Your job is to provide a safe passage to these previously unmet, uncared-for energies; you are cultivating a kindness towards your self. The more kind, generous space you allow to that energy, the greater the chance it will resolve itself. Now, clearly some wounds can be more complicated, and may need the support of a professional or a healer of some sort. 
  3. Make kindess your top priority. Now you are starting to re-condition your self-preservation system, you will find you can allow yourself to open up in an authentic kindness both to your self and others. Each day, think of one person you know who is struggling or suffering, and do one kind thing for that person, even if it’s just to send them a loving message.
That’s as simple as I can make this simple not-so-simple challenge for now.
Creating the conditions for kind attention in your life –  this is the most revolutionary act you can do.